This is a topic I have been reading so many studies on lately. I have watched friends, and family go through different things in their marriages. I have read blogs upon blogs about marriage and how they make things work. I have read both sides of pro marriage and people against marriage. I have so much to say and I have no idea how to word it all so here I go.
Before I got married I really did not thing I would ever be married. I saw so much negativity about marriage. I was a serial dater. I did not want a relationship, I just wanted to date.
We moved into our new house when I was about 17. I did not want to be there. Then I saw a really hot neighbor across the street and wasn't so mad about moving anymore. We eventually became friends. We dated but nothing seemed to time out right for us. The chemistry was there, but we just never seemed to be right. So I continued dating. I found some really awesome guys out there but I just didn't have that connection with any of them. I continued my friendship with my neighbor and we did everything together.
He became my best friend. Since we weren't in a relationship we could be more real with each other. We talked about everything. Family, friends, people we were dating. It was one of the best friendships. Well as most of you know that soon evolved. The timing for Brandon and I was finally right and we moved fast. Bam we were engaged and bam married three weeks later.
Everyone had so much negativity towards marriage. Misery loves company, why ruin your life its just a piece of paper. But to me marriage is more than that. Marriage is a promise that you make to this person that you give yourself entirely to them. You want to spend the rest of your lives together. Not just for the moment. Not just for a few years. You are giving up one life for another life with them. I have loved being married. I am not miserable, I am not regretful, my life isn't ruined, I have not lost my identity. Ya it gets hard sometimes. Bills, work, not having enough time together. But like everything important to you. You make time to make things work. You figure things out by fighting, talking, arguing. Yes it is ok to fight. Just like in any other relationship you are never going to think things the exact same way. The best advice ever given is "Never complain about whose side of the boat is sinking, fix the sinking boat."
How to know when a marriage isn't working? I am a firm believer in fighting for any relationship but there are times when you just have to say this will never work. I read a blog about a guy who encountered a woman throwing herself a happy divorce party. He found the idea ridiculous. I agree with him. Nothing is happy about the ending of a marriage. Even if it does mean they are happier it is still a very unhappy thing to have happened. It sucks that things couldn't have worked out like they planned. Thinking about things ending between Brandon and I absolutely kills me. Just the thought alone makes me tear up. But like I said there are some instances where you just have to say goodbye. IN MY OPINION here are a few.
-Addiction: There is a certain point where you just can't help them anymore. They have chosen a path of destruction. And linking your cart to theirs is going to lead you down a destructive path. It is draining, and selfish of them. But for your sanity, safety, and if kids are involved it is a trend that needs to be blocked from their lives. You can help someone through addiction married or not. I have seen friends try endlessly to help their spouse through addiction and in the end they had to walk away. And it sucks, but addiction is such a dark place. A place where marriages cannot breathe.
-Abuse: This is the one thing I find not worth fighting for. Abuse in any shape or form is not ok. I would absolutely walk away immediately. No human deserves to be treated in such a way. Abusers rarely ever change. No matter how much they say they will.
-Adultery: Another thing that is an absolute marriage killer. Brandon has told me stories about co workers that have done this and it sickens me. How cavalier they are in their thinking. Or lack of thinking. How selfish and disgusting. There is never a reason to cheat. If your spouse is horrible, leave. If you are unhappy, tell them. If the sex is bad, do something to spice things up. Let your partner know what you need from them. Instead of using it as a gross excuse to find something somewhere else. Brandon and I watched a movie together..I am trying to remember the title. It was a Tyler Perry movie..I think it was called Why did I get Married or something. But they guy put it perfectly. When a man/woman cheats they are leaving 80% of 20%. At the time the 20% looks so full filling and so exciting. But than quickly realize they gave up 80 for 20 and before they know it....its to late. If you are missing something or need something bring it up to your partner. And partners if you are approached by this don't get offended. Talk about things you need from each other. That's how you make a marriage work. Discussing and not taking offense. Be open.
Marriages are worth the fight. Fight for them. And give it all you have.
Labels: family, love, Marriage